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Narcissistic abuse is a devastating form of abuse that can have a serious impact on the victim. Narcissists have a strong need for control and power over other people. Narcissistic abuse can leave someone feeling trapped, confused and alone, and very often struggling to think or act rationally. Narcissists will often exploit ‘attachment styles’ to control their victims. For example, a narcissist may be excessively charming and attentive, especially early on in a relationship, followed by the slow withdrawal of their love and attention as the relationship progresses. This shift in attentiveness can create a feeling of anxiousness and insecurity in the victim, known as an ‘anxious attachment style’, which the narcissist can, and will, exploit further.
Fortunately, there is help available to anyone suffering the effects of narcissistic abuse. As an expert therapist, coach, and counsellor with first-hand experience of narcissistic abuse, I work tirelessly to repair the damaging effects this can cause, and support my clients with those all-important first steps to freedom.
- Recognising that you are a victim of abuse.
- Reaching out for professional support.
- Building your self-esteem.
- Creating a safe exit plan.
So, if you’ve been routinely convincing yourself that you’re undeserving of love and respect, unlovable, powerless, not good enough, and lack self-esteem, your mind will do everything it can to make that your reality. It will make you more nervous and anxious and give rise to an even more powerful ‘inner critic’. It will keep you exactly where you tell it you want to be, as if acting on your instructions. Now the good news, although the mind resists change, it is also quite brilliant at changing through repetitioning. In other words, if you tell your mind something enough times and in the right way, it happily recodes itself to the new instruction. That’s an aspect of the mind that I take full advantage of when treating clients suffering from narcissistic abuse.
Every thought you think, every word you say to yourself and every picture you create in your mind, form a blueprint that your mind and body work to make your reality. And since your mind responds to the thoughts and words you tell it, then it will protect them and work hard to make them your reality. Knowing this, you can see that your reality isn’t something external to you at all, instead it’s whatever reality you create in your mind. A narcissist will powerfully capitalise on the mind’s penchant for familiar thoughts and feelings, actively encouraging the victim to self-deprecate and create an even more powerful inner critic.
Victims of narcissism are far more likely to engage in harmful and unhelpful self-talk than those in normal relationships and will unknowingly assign roles and functions to the distress and discomfort they subsequently experience. This emotional distress frequently manifests as physical symptoms, giving rise to all kinds of bodily issues, including pain and illness. Fortunately, the solution to this lies firmly in the grasp of the individual, requiring only that they retrain themselves to think healthier thoughts.
That feeling of not being enough is an incredibly common issue. In fact, without any consultation, I can confidently tell my clients that there are only three things that can be wrong with them. The first is, I’m not enough. The second is, I’m different so I can’t connect. And the third is, I really want something, like a successful sporting career, but it isn’t available to me. A possible fourth belief is, even if there is help available to me, I don’t deserve it.
Ultimately what this feeling of not being enough comes down to is a lack of self-belief and the fear of failure, judgement, and rejection. From birth, we are hard-wired to find connection and avoid rejection. It’s the fear of rejection that is crippling and can cause many of the issues that I treat in my clinic. I teach my clients that the only person who could truly reject them is themselves, and that other people can only reject them if they choose to let the feeling in. ‘I am enough’ is a phrase I ask my clients to tell themselves repeatedly, because when they know they are enough and they truly believe it, everything becomes available to them, including loving relationships.
This tendency towards the familiar can lead to the same dangerous habits that people in abusive relationships demonstrate all too well. Have you ever experienced a toxic relationship? Often, the toxicity of an abusive relationship becomes so familiar to the victim, that it becomes the reality and experience that they actively move towards, time and time again. In doing so, they also create a false narrative, telling themselves that this is how relationships are for you, and how they need to be, and they stay a part of that false narrative for as long as possible. Humans are hard-wired to recreate what is familiar to them, we prefer what we know, even if it’s terribly bad for us.
So how do you change your story? How do you make thoughts like ‘I’m lovable, I’m deserving, I’m strong, negative self-talk has no place in me’ stick in your brain and become your familiar way of thinking?
Well, you can start by getting up each morning and telling yourself, ‘I’m a strong person. I’m full of confidence, I have meaning, and I have something to offer the world.’ Whatever it is you most want to hear, say it to yourself, because your mind doesn’t know what’s coming, it’s simply waiting for your next instruction, so why not make those instructions the things that empower you. Keep in mind that the words you say to yourself and the pictures you create in your head cause your body to have a physical response. Over time a physical response can become a barrier to living a normal life, so choosing your words wisely means they will work for you and not against you.
Simply thinking positive thoughts may sound easy, but here’s the thing, you must be consistent. If you’re going to tell yourself a better story and you want it to stick, you absolutely must tell yourself that story every day, always and forever - the mind learns through repetition and it is always listening.
There is almost nothing on the planet that will raise your self-esteem more than self-praise. And because the mind likes repetition so much, when praising yourself every day, your mind thinks, ‘Here you go again with that praise, you say it every day, so it must be true.’ Similarly, if you criticise yourself every day, your mind works in the exact same way, accepting it to be the truth and helping build upon this self-deprecation as the blueprint for your preferred mode of being.
Blaming yourself, and self-criticism are harmful, but you can reverse these familiar responses and change your story from ‘I’m fearful’ to ‘I’m fearless’ and see the remarkable effect that has on your life.
My therapies are designed to radically address the issues that are impacting your life. This includes your physical and emotional health, resilience, confidence, self-esteem, motivation, purpose and meaning, career, creating wealth and abundance, and achieving the life you want. I have developed a powerful programme of Psychotherapy, Hypnotherapy and Skills support to help people suffering from narcissistic abuse, often because they lack self-belief and the emotional strategies that are key to mental health and wellbeing. COACHD Rapid Transformational Therapyâ„¢(RTTâ„¢) and Hypnotherapy work with the subconscious mind, helping my clients reset their negative thoughts and beliefs to positive, empowering new ones that support wellness, and personal or professional development.
By helping my clients fix the issues that lead to victimisation, they are empowered to become the person they most want to be. Additional skills support is available to COACHD clients through my Coached Method Coachingâ„¢ service which helps them develop the practical skills needed to excel in all aspects of their life confidently, without fear, as well as helping them progress in work, wealth, and relationship and an unstoppable future! Read more about COACHD Method Coachingâ„¢.
I use this powerful therapy to help people get to the root cause of their emotional, physical, or cognitive issues. When I treat a client for narcissistic abuse, I believe it is crucial to help them change their way of thinking, and any unhelpful beliefs and patterns of behaviour. Concentrating on the causes rather than the symptoms vastly increases the chance of success and lasting change.
Click this link to watch my short video on Rapid Transformational Therapyâ„¢ (RTTâ„¢).
COACHD hypnotherapy works with the subconscious mind, helping people deal with their past trauma and transforming any negative thoughts and beliefs into positive, empowering new ones. With COACHD Rapid Transformational Therapyâ„¢(RTTâ„¢) and Hypnotherapy, my clients learn how to master their thoughts and feelings and free themselves from the effects of narcissistic abuse forever. I believe my therapy is the most powerful and effective treatment available for this issue. Read more about Rapid Transformational Therapyâ„¢(RTTâ„¢).
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