Therapy for Overcoming Guilt | Multi-Award Winning Therapy

Are the feelings of guilt and shame causing you to settle for less than you deserve?

We can help you live guilt and shame free.

Category: Mental Health

Conditions: Guilt, Shame, Toxic Shame, Childhood Problems, Narcissistic Abuse, Trauma

Back to What We Treat

The difference between making a mistake and being a mistake

Guilt is the objective reality of being liable to punishment because of something we've done, such as a criminal act, and a feeling of responsibility or remorse for wrongdoing that hurt others.

The feelings that arise from guilt are quite like those that arise from shame, but there is a difference. Shame does not necessarily mean hurting others. Rather, it is the painful feeling arising from violating norms and values. Shame is about doing something improper or ridiculous, and the subjective feeling of being worthless because of who we feel we are. For the individual, the feelings that arise from guilt and shame feel like the difference between making a mistake and being a mistake.

What is normal shame?

Normal shame is the emotional reaction that people experience when they do something wrong, by their or other people's standards. Shameful feelings can be very uncomfortable but can help guide us toward self-reflection, self-correction, repair (of self and others), and growth. Normal shame helps teach us how we can avoid our mistakes, by assessing our responsibility, and considering what we can do differently in future. Normal shame can be considered healthy, in that it acts as a doorway to becoming a better person. This kind of shame is common in everyone and is usually self-manageable.

What is toxic shame?

We get approached by a lot of people whose feelings of shame are particularly intense and powerful. The emotions and feelings they are experiencing are long-lasting and have led them to feel a profound sense of worthlessness, this type of same is called ‘toxic shame’. Toxic shame can be very harmful psychologically and physiologically, becoming deeply internalised and having a damaging effect on the nervous system. Toxic shame can be self-punishing, often occurring when the harmful treatment someone has suffered, usually during childhood, is turned inward, forming a belief that they themselves are somehow responsible for the pain they are experiencing, and a deep-rooted belief that they are unworthy and unlovable.

Someone experiencing toxic shame may have a belief that their behaviour was wrong, but this is compounded by a sense that they are a bad person, contemptible, and undeserving of anything good. Feelings of ‘I’m a vile and horrible person’ or other pervasive thoughts will repeatedly go through this person's mind.

Shame, guilt, and toxic shame can be triggered by similar situations

Let’s say that you were in a rush to get to work for a meeting. While you were running for your bus, you accidentally pushed past a lady with a young child and the child stumbles and falls, but you keep running because you can’t risk missing the bus. Upon boarding the bus, you are flooded with emotions because of the incident with the lady and child. The feelings you might experience are based on the following three reaction types.

Shame would make you feel embarrassed because others saw what you did and probably thought badly of you. You also feel that your actions were wrong. You reflect on your personal values and priorities and tell yourself that you will be more careful and considerate in the future.

Guilt would come from imagining how the child must have felt. The empathy you feel would make you decide to stop if something like this happened in future, even if it means missing the bus and being late for a work meeting. In future you would stop to apologise and make sure the child is ok, asking what you could do to make things right.

Toxic shame ignores the possibility of the other two reactions. Instead, toxic shame is not a realistic response to the event, it is an emotional overreaction, a deconstructive thought process rather than a constructive one. With toxic shame, the individual's thinking jumps straight to ‘I’m a despicable human being and I deserve to suffer and get pushed around by everyone forever because of what I’ve done.’

Many of our clients have found themselves unable to find happiness and move forward with their lives because of toxic shame and the deeply rooted feelings they held.

The symptoms of toxic shame

The symptoms of toxic shame vary from person to person. They can be difficult to recognise because the beliefs that lead to the feelings live inside the subconscious mind - the deeper part of the mind in which our core motivations and beliefs reside. Because of this, toxic shame can manifest itself based on an individual's particular character traits, situations, and circumstances. The main characteristics of toxic shame are:

Compared to normal feelings of embarrassment, the feelings last much longer and feel overpowering.

The individual experiences emotional pain and other adverse reactions that are disproportionate to the event.

There isn't an external event to trigger the shame, the feelings arise purely from the individual's inner thoughts.

The individual feels inadequate and so avoids future challenges and opportunities in case it leads to more feelings of shame.

Where does toxic shame come from?

Toxic shame usually emerges because of childhood or adult trauma. Someone who has been overly criticised, starved of emotional attention, and verbally or physically abused, will often develop the belief that they are unworthy of love.

Likewise, someone may suffer from toxic shame simply because self-shaming has become their way of being and the foundation of their identity. As a result, they haven't learned to love and accept themselves. In this case, the toxic shame that developed makes them feel inadequate in many areas of their life.

A traumatic experience in adulthood, particularly in romantic relationships, can lead to someone doubting their worthiness. For someone involved in a co-dependent relationship, toxic shame might have formed the dynamic between them and their partner. In this scenario, they may have become decisionless, require a partner’s approval for most things, and depend on them for affirmations of worthiness. This would inevitably lead to feelings of toxic shame developing further.

Someone may also believe that something is wrong with them if they are a victim of narcissistic abuse. Research has revealed that toxic shame often forms because of someone being abused by a partner who has a narcissistic personality disorder.

Whatever the reason for toxic shame developing in someone, they are subsequently stuck in the belief that they are not worthy and undeserving of abundance, love, and happiness. They are convinced that, no matter how hard they try, they will never be enough. Fortunately, help is available. COACHD Rapid Transformational Therapy™(RTT™) and Hypnothrapy, treat the root causes of toxic shame so that our clients to live their best life.

The most common beliefs of toxic shame

Many people live far below their potential because of the psychological effects of shame. Directly and indirectly, toxic shame causes people to underperform and settle for less than they deserve. Nobody will pursue their dreams if they think they are stupid, unworthy, unlovable, and a bad person. These are the most common beliefs that we have found when working with clients suffering from toxic shame.

Social isolation and unhealthy relationships

People troubled by toxic shame will regularly isolate themselves from others or engage in unhealthy relationships. Someone who believes they aren't good enough to have love and friendship in their life will usually avoid people altogether. Toxic shame is often the reason for someone developing a fear of rejection, love, and intimacy. When toxic shame is coupled with a fearful-avoidant attachment style, the result is often a push-pull kind of relationship. Where any amount of criticism, no matter the intention, initiates a cycle of social withdrawal followed by feelings of anxiety.

Many people fall prey to abusive partners due to their feelings of toxic shame, and become targets for easy manipulation. An abuser will notice the individual's need to be liked and their fear of being ashamed and may skilfully suggest that they adore the person but would feel disenchanted if they found out that the person was in fact, not perfect. This opens the door for the abuse since the victim will now withstand anything to maintain that sense of ideology in the eyes of their abuser. Therefore, it is common to see people who are caught in abusive relationships sacrifice everything to prove that they are worthy and as means of avoiding further feelings of shame, or as a form of self-punishment. Abusers will often use open insults and acts of violence while sighting the victim's unworthiness as the justification for their actions.

Toxic perfectionism

Toxic shame can lead to acts of toxic perfectionism. Toxic perfectionists allow their goals to be set by the outside world. They exaggerate perceived external standards, which puts extreme pressure on them, often causing them to develop anxiety disorders. A toxic perfectionist will secretly worry that others will reject them if they fall short of their perceived perfection. If someone is inherently ashamed of themselves, they will invariably bend over backwards to be perfect. They feel they must do everything it takes to stop others from revealing their imperfection.

Similarly, toxic shame can give rise to anxiety. When someone feels there is a lot for them to feel ashamed of, it is quite normal for them to become anxious and apprehensive. Toxic shame may also trigger bouts of depression since internalised messages about the person's lack of self-worth make them believe they are undesirable or incapable.

Harmful behaviours

When someone believes they are a bad person, then self-loathing is a natural response that can lead to acts of self-punishment. Many of those suffering the feelings associated with toxic shame will engage in self-harming. Other behaviours including addiction, promiscuity, overeating, and self-sabotage can also form because of these feelings. Toxic shame can initiate a vicious cycle where the person feels unworthy and may even provoke external punishment. For example, they may cheat on a spouse, underperform at work, initiate fights, drink excessively, take drugs, gamble, or eat large amounts of unhealthy food. Consequently, they feel ashamed and so punish themselves further, continuing the vicious cycle.

Overcoming toxic shame

Although toxic shame can take years to develop into its fullest form, it can be transformed in a very short time. Overcoming toxic shame can lead to a gigantic shift in the lives of those affected. Self-compassion, self-forgiveness, self-care, meditation, and mindfulness practice can have a profound effect on a person's recovery from toxic shame. Using the powerful effects of our Rapid Transformational Therapy™(RTT™) and Hypnothrapy, we can treat the root causes of toxic shame, and empower those affected with a sense of self-belief, self-forgiveness and self-love that is crucial to their recovery and ability to live the life they deserve.

Moving from toxic shame to self-love

It is impossible for someone to have a positive self-image whenever toxic shame forms the basis of their thoughts and feelings. Feelings of toxic shame usually form during times of vulnerability; however, it is possible for someone to choose a new belief as a foundation to build upon. Instead of a belief that leads to feelings of guilt or shame, the new belief can lead to feelings of self-belief, self-worth, self-praise, and self-love.

Knowing 'you are enough' changes everything

The thing we see most people struggling with is always a belief ‘I’m not enough’.

That feeling of not being enough is easily the biggest issue our clients face. In fact, without any consultation, we can confidently tell our clients that there are only three things that can be wrong with them. The first is, I’m not enough. The second is, I’m different, so I can’t connect. And the third is, I really want something, like success or freedom from depression, but it isn’t available to me. A possible fourth belief is, even if there is help available, I don’t deserve it.

Ultimately what this feeling of not being enough comes down to is a lack of self-belief and the fear of rejection. From birth, we are hard-wired to find connection and avoid rejection. It’s people's fear of rejection that is crippling and can cause many of the issues we treat in our clinic. We teach our clients that the only person who could truly reject them is them and that other people can only reject them if they choose to let the feeling in. ‘I am enough’ is a phrase we ask our clients to tell themselves repeatedly because when they know they are enough, and they truly believe it, everything is available to them.

Help is available to you!

We help our clients understand that their thoughts become reality, so they can actively work towards changing that reality into something positive, uplifting, and healthy. We not only help our clients improve their emotional health but many aspects of their physical health too. Emotional pain is often expressed through the body, so we work on improving our client's patterns of thought so that their physical self is affected positively as a result.

If you’ve been routinely convincing yourself that you’re a bad and horrible person, your mind will do everything it can to make that your reality. Feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety and depression are good examples of this, they are your mind and body's response to the beliefs you hold about yourself and a way of protecting you from a fear of failure or judgement.

Repeated negative thoughts will demotivate you and give rise to an even more powerful ‘inner critic’. It will keep you exactly where you tell it you want to be. Although the mind resists change, it is quite brilliant at learning through repetition – tell it something enough times and in the right way and it happily recodes itself to the new instruction. That’s an aspect of the mind that COACHD takes full advantage of with our Rapid Transformational Therapy™(RTT™) and Hypnothrapy when treating clients suffering the effects of guilt and shame.

Every thought you think, every word you say to yourself and every picture you create in your mind, form a blueprint that your mind and body work to make your reality. And since your mind responds to the thoughts and words you tell it, then, by definition, it will protect them and make them your reality. Knowing this, you can see that your reality isn’t something external to you, it is whatever reality you create in your mind.

Make guilt and shame a thing of the past and master your self-worth

Living guilt and shame-free and filled with self-belief and self-love so that you can have the life you want may seem a long way off, or even feel impossible, but it needn’t be this way. At COACHD, we know that nothing in life influences you more than the beliefs that your mind links pleasure and pain to. We use Rapid Transformational Therapy™(RTT™) and Hypnotherapy to help you change your beliefs so that you can break through the barriers and blockages that are preventing you from achieving your goals and becoming the person you want to be.

Our therapies are designed to radically address the issues that are impacting your life. This includes your confidence, self-esteem, motivation, purpose and meaning, relationships, career, creating wealth and abundance, and achieving the life you want. COACHD has a powerful programme of Psychotherapy, Hypnotherapy and Skills support to help people struggling with feelings of guilt and shame. COACHD Rapid Transformational Therapy™(RTT™) and Hypnotherapy work with the subconscious mind, helping people reset their negative thoughts and beliefs to positive, empowering ones that support their well-being, and personal development.

By helping people fix the issues that have led to feelings of guilt and shame, COACHD therapy empowers them to become the person they most want to be. Further support is available to COACHD clients through our COACHD Method Coaching™ service which helps them develop the knowledge and skills needed to live confidently and shame-free, as well as helping them progress in life, work, wealth, and relationship – and an unstoppable future! Read more about COACHD Method Coaching™.

About Rapid Transformational Therapy™(RTT™) and Hypnotherapy

RTT™ is a complete solution-based treatment, offering fast effective results by combining the most effective principles of Hypnotherapy, Psychotherapy, NLP, CBT and Neuroscience.

RTT™ helps people get to the root cause of their emotional, physical, or cognitive issues. When treating a client for the issues that are causing feelings of guilt and shame, we believe it is crucial for us to help them change their way of thinking, and any unhelpful beliefs and behaviour, in order for them to increase their chances of success and achieve lasting change.

Our hypnotherapy works with the subconscious mind, helping people deal with their past trauma and transforming any negative thoughts and beliefs into positive, empowering new ones. With COACHD Rapid Transformational Therapy™(RTT™) and Hypnotherapy, our clients can boost their self-belief and eliminate feelings of guilt and shame. We believe our therapy is the most powerful and effective treatment available for the damaging effects of guilt and shame. Read more about Rapid Transformational Therapy™(RTT™).

Start your transformation and overcome guilt and shame

A skilled COACHD therapist will help you free yourself from feelings of guilt and shame without the time, frustration, and cost of spending years on a therapist’s couch. Contact COACHD today for dramatic life-changing results that will empower you to overcome your issues, often in a limited number of sessions.

Contact COACHD to start your transformation today.

Click to book a
FREE Consultation.

Click for our
Enquiries Form.

CUSTOMER ENQUIRIES

COACHD Clinic

CUSTOMER ENQUIRIES

COACHD Clinic

Thank you for joining our mailing list! 💙

CUSTOMER ENQUIRIES

COACHD Clinic

CUSTOMER ENQUIRIES

COACHD Clinic